Stop Overexplaining: The 1 Thing I'm Doing to Boost My Confidence

You're allowed to quit the gym without explaining why.

You're allowed to say no without an explainer paragraph.

You're allowed to let someone else sit with their discomfort while you trust your decision.

This episode is about what real confidence looks like, and it doesn't require you to be loud, polished, or certain.

—

You Need This Episode If:

• You find yourself overexplaining every decision you make
• You've been managing everyone else's feelings instead of trusting your own
• You’re looking for a way to build the kind of confidence that spills into other areas of your life

What You'll Get:

• A realistic definition of confidence that actually works for moms
• Why overexplaining kills your confidence (and how it opens the door for pushback)
• The gym cancellation story that changes everything about how you see boundaries
• Practical ways to build self-trust with small choices
• Why silence is one of your most powerful tools

—

Your Host:

Caitlin is the host of Not Quite Grownup, a podcast for moms who are trying to keep it together with their watered-down iced coffee and realistic expectations. She's figuring this out in real time, right alongside you.

—

Bottom Line:

Real confidence isn't about being loud or having it all figured out. It's about knowing what you want, trusting your decisions, and being willing to let things be a little awkward, one small choice at a time.

• Click here for this episode’s blog post with links to sources and even more content.
• Stay connected with Not Quite Grownup

The best support is a rating and a share.

Love,
CK & GK

Transcript

E206_Sane Mom Summer: Building Confidence

Caitlin 0:02

Hey friends, I'm so glad you're here because I think a lot of us have been sold somehow. This idea that confidence is supposed to look loud and polished and kind of unshakable. But from what I gather, many of us are just trying to answer a single text message without rereading it six times, or we're struggling to say no without adding three paragraphs of an explanation. So today I'm talking about having confidence without gringing at yourself, which is not easy to do. And with that, I should also probably try to confidently say that this episode happens to be the soft launch of a rebrand of the show. So if you're new here, I'm Caitlin. And if you're not new, welcome to not quite grown up. This is the artist formerly known as How to Be a Grown Up, where we're still the podcast for moms who are just trying to keep it together. Sometimes we're doing that by the skin of our teeth, and we have water-down iced coffee next to us, like I do right now. I have to tell you, this is actually really scary because this relaunch of Not Quite Grown Up is a solo podcast. And I'll still have Arielle and Jen on whenever I can and whenever they can join me. But I'm excited, it feels like the right next step, and we'll see where this goes. Anyway, this is my Sane Mom Summer series. And episode one was basically an official permission slip to take some of that perfect summer pressure off of yourself. And this episode, episode two of my Sane Mom Summer series, I want to talk about how to actually live like a woman who has that permission slip in hand and isn't asking her family, friends, administrators, bosses if she's allowed to use it. And I feel like that's really important because once you choose to stop performing summer for everyone else, including your kids, confidence is what helps you trust your choice instead of second-guessing it and every other choice you make. So this is not Instagram confidence. This is not, oh, I wake up at 5 a.m. and journal, and my pen matches every single page of this journal. None of that garbage. This is the real life stuff because I think a lot of us know how to perform just enough confidence to get through the day or through a room, but we just need something sturdier than that. You know, the kind of confidence that actually helps you make decisions and set boundaries and hold them and stop apologizing for taking up space in your own life. I really feel like not quite grown up suits me quite a bit here because this is definitely something I need to work on. So I'm coaching myself right alongside you with this.

Confidence is not...

Caitlin 3:11

So I want to start by thinking about or having you think about a confident person in your life. You likely admire this person. Are they always sure of their decisions? Are they always vocal, always sharing their opinions? Of course they're not, right? That's completely unrealistic. Real confidence doesn't look like that. It doesn't mean you're always sure. It doesn't mean you're the loudest person in the room. Usually those people are obnoxious anyway. It doesn't mean that you never feel awkward or nervous or second-guessy, right? Confidence is definitely not having the perfect answer ready every time someone pushes back on your choice. So now that I'm solidly into my 40s and the peri is starting to put me in a chokehold, that's the perimenopause for those of you who are not there yet. I am starting to have a better understanding of what genuine confidence really is. And it has nothing to do with my own very unhealthy body image. It feels more like I know what I want here. Or I don't need to explain this to you again. Or I can handle someone else being uncomfortable when I say no. That's really what confidence has become for me. And I feel like honestly, that version is a lot more useful than just liking how I look. But it's something that a lot of moms struggle with.

Why moms struggle with confidence...

Caitlin 4:44

Confidence is something we struggle with because we spend so much time managing everyone else's feelings. We explain ourselves, we soften our boundaries, we second-guess the instincts that we have. We try to be reasonable, we try not to make waves. I blame the patriarchy. And over time, that does make you feel like your own preferences need a permission slip. So, of course, it feels hard. And there's a really good chance that you've gotten very practiced or very used to centering everyone else and not putting yourself first. So just know that confidence can only grow when you start trusting your own voice. And that doesn't happen all at once, of course, just a little bit at a time. So

My biggest confidence drainer...

Caitlin 5:31

I found that one of my biggest confidence drains is overexplaining myself. It's just one of those unhealthy ADHD coping mechanisms. It's just one of those unhealthy ADHD coping mechanisms I developed because I was and am terrified of being misunderstood. And, you know, seventh grade Caitlin is still very concerned about being picked on. But even if you weren't picked on like I was, I bet you kind of understand what I mean here. Someone asks you to, you know, bake cookies for the PTA or whatever, and you say no, but then you add four reasons why you can't do it. You make some decision and then you rationalize that. You give some sort of mini presentation about why you made that decision. It could even be as simple as like, I just want to leave. I'm ready to go. And then suddenly you're explaining why you're going. You're giving some sort of mini speech. It's like, well, my dog is, you know, she's just really cute, and I just need to be with her, and she needs our jammies or whatever other garbage reason you give. I mean, I'm not a fan of just piecing out, but you don't need to explain why you're leaving to anyone. People who ask you are annoying. Stop doing that. But why are we doing that? Why are we creating these giant courtroom defenses for our preferences? We shouldn't have to do that every time we have a choice to make, a decision we we come to. Because every time we do that, it opens the door for someone, whoever it may be, to argue back. And I saw a thread about this, and I cannot find the creator now. So I apologize to this person. But the thread was about quitting the gym. And I loved this thread. So here's the gist of it. She walks in, she told the front desk person that she wanted to cancel her membership. And the response by the front desk person was, tell me why. But if she had given a reason, that person would have countered. They've probably been coached on how to counter. That's one of the things I do with my job, is I say, like, what are what are the what are the friction points here? Here's how you counter that. If it's too expensive, okay, well, here's a temporary discount for the gym membership. You don't have enough time? Don't worry. We can pause your membership for a little while and then you can come back when you do have more time. Those excuses and the counters that come with them would have lengthened the process of her trying to quit, and they're designed to make you second guess your decision. But that's BS. She doesn't owe anyone any justification for wanting to quit the gym. She is allowed to quit the gym the end. So I loved this. She just straight up said, I want, she's she said, I want to cancel my membership. Like she just repeated herself. And then she stood there in silence. If you're a teacher, you've been told about the importance of wait time, where it's like this uncomfortable moment where you let the kids sit with what you asked them and you give them a chance to think about it, and then they can respond. But it feels unnatural. It feels awkward to sit there and wait for them to process or tune in, whatever it may be. But the gym person got flustered by that awkward silence. Apparently, they turned bright red and then they canceled it. Which I loved. I loved this story so much. Here's my theory about this. Goes back to that discomfort, right? Once we overexplained, because we need to fill the silence, because it alleviates that physical discomfort, the overexplanation actually shakes the confidence because we're now trying to fix the discomfort that the other person is sitting in. So that's the first theory I have. Second, we've also been trained to like judge ourselves all the time, especially in this era of social media where people post their not real lives and other people post other people's real lives for laughs. And both of these are completely valid reasons for a lack of confidence, right? Like nobody wants to be judged by people on social, especially. Like the idea of being turned into a meme is nightmare fuel for me. And if you add in some childhood trauma from bullying, you'll understand why I'm in therapy, just putting that out there. Obviously, this gym thing isn't every situation in life, but there is something to learn here. Sometimes confidence sounds like nothing. It's literally nothing. It's sitting in the silence and letting other people deal with that discomfort while you let it roll off your shoulders. Other times it sounds like that doesn't work for us, or no thanks. I'm gonna sit this one out. I'm not available. My favorite, the Phoebe Buffet line. Oh, thanks, but I don't want to. So good. It's just a short, simple line, right? Short is powerful. I should be saying this about my own stature. I'm short, by the way. Short is powerful, short is confident. Short leaves less room for people to argue with you. And that just means less room for you to get flustered and have your own confidence shaken. So don't overexplain. That's a realistic way to build your own confidence. So,

Confidence in real life...

Caitlin 11:45

what does confidence actually look like in daily life? Silence, short. That's one thing. But it looks like choosing what works for your family instead of what looks best for other people. So what works and what looks best are not always the same, right? So choosing what works is important here. It looks like trusting your gut when something feels off. If you're a true crime person like I am, you know this to be true. It looks like not overcommitting just because you don't want to disappoint anyone. It looks like asking for what you need without saying, I don't want to put you out. I don't, I don't want to be a burden. It looks like making a decision and then letting that be the decision instead of reopening that file, second guessing yourself, third guessing, fifteenth guessing. And I also think it looks like saying to yourself, I'm allowed to want this. And then going after what you actually want, even if nobody's there to clap for you, nobody is there to back you up.

How I am starting to build up my confidence...

Caitlin 13:02

So for me, if I wanted to start building confidence in a practical way, the first thing I would do is look for where I default to over-explaining. That's usually a clue for an area that you might need to work on. Then practice one short sentence that you can reuse that feels natural to you and saves you energy. Feel free to use any of the ones I listed earlier so that you're not reinventing the wheel and you know coming up with excuses every time. Then make a small decision without polling the entire universe. This is a big one for me. I just got a new car. I polled everyone and their mama about this new car. Am I making the right decision? Uh, have I thought this out? And then I would list all the things that I had thought out. Like, who, why does anyone else need that explanation? The only people who need that explanation are myself and my partner who is like supporting me through this purchase. Like, that's it. Doesn't need to be polling the entire world. Goodness. Anyway, the last one. Be like my threads hero, whoever she is, and let something be a little awkward without immediately trying to smooth it over. And I think that part's really big because if you can survive that moment where you feel a little bit uncomfortable and then realize that nothing terrible happened, that right there is an immediate confidence boost.

Closing

Caitlin 14:53

So to wrap this up, if you're like me and confidence has always sounded a little out of reach for you. I hope this episode gives you a little clearer, better definition. Because it's really confidence, it's really all about trusting yourself more fully. One small choice at a time. It's not gonna happen overnight, just one small choice at a time. And of course, that's a little less glamorous than feeling confident in your body or the way you look or whatever, but it's so much more useful and practical in your real life.

Next episode

Caitlin 15:36

So, speaking of real life, next time I'm gonna talk about not letting the internet infiltrate your nervous system. Something that some of us probably really struggle with. I think it's something a lot of us need to hear. So I want to talk about, you know, social comparison, social media pressure, and how to stop letting that curated content from your the feed that you built brick by brick. That's a that's a favorite saying on threads is I built this algorithm brick by brick. But how to stop letting that algo that you built shape your mood and shake the confidence that you're working so hard to build right now. So thanks for listening to Not Quite Grown Up. Make sure you hit follow or subscribe or whatever word your favorite podcast app uses to make sure you don't listen to the next episode. I appreciate you. Love you, mean it. Bye.